Getting to and around Beijing has been surprisingly easy. I'm here 3 days before my official trip starts, to hang out and explore with just one other friend (my travel buddy for the next 6 weeks). Friends at home dropped us off at the airport, then many hours later (after a mere 12-hr flight), someone picked us up on the Beijing end too, and brought us straight to our hostel. Although we've since experience the incredibly nice and user-friendly subway.

We're staying at a cool little youth hostel, right behind a bunch of fancy hotels, which are at least 15x the price. The Vegas-style strip (very classy, though, not at all sketchy) nearby is kind of weird in its excessive Westernness.

Friends from school took us out the first night to a very cool veggie restaurant. So nice to hang out with locals. We've managed to get by so far with extremely limited Mandarin and gestures, but there's nothing like a native speaker to help you out.

Yesterday we checked out the Olympic site, which is absolutely amazing in real life. I sort of got the willies about being on the field of the Bird's Nest, imagining all the excitement... Strangely we've been able to get the student rate about the half the time; I think you're really only supposed to get it with a Chinese student card.

The best part about the Olympics was perhaps our lunch. We've been having less than stellar results finding veggie food on the street (although we've sort of been able to communicate "wo chi su de," literally "I eat vegetables"), so lunch yesterday was Cheetos and popcorn, and today at the Summer Palace it was granola bars we bought and crackers.

Sadly last night I almost fell asleep at a cool underground place called Mao, with a band Buyi that looked really rock, but sounded much more mellow.

Highlights of today, apart from the Summer Palace itself, include seeing a curling match on a huge screen on the edge of the lake. Normally I'm highly opposed to such technological infiltration of an historic site, but I'll make an exception here.

Afterwards at the Temple of Heaven, a group playing a variation of hacky-sack with 4 feathers on the end of a set of tambourine bell-thingies, instead of the hacky-sack, roped us in to play. Super fun, and very cool that it was fun for all ages. The whole park was full of people gathering for these creative activities -- operas that everyone knew the words to; karaoke; and other musical things. And on the way out we passed by a playground, but more like an outdoor gym for grown-ups -- everyone was stretching and doing exercises on things that otherwise looked like they were for kids.

I'm still super tired, so I think I'll head to bed even though it's barely after 9. I'm sort of concerned about my energy level during the trip...


From afar,
Emma

Best transition ever

What an amazing day! Lots of crazy news to share, just before I head out.  

It was absolutely gorgeous this morning, so took advantage of my last few breaths of fresh air before many polluted cities. I'm finally able to run again! I also used this as an excuse to procrastinate from studying.  

I took my last final ever tonight! Incredibly depressing to have to study and perform engineering the day before I leave. Hey - I never got my St. Patty's Guinness either!

About halfway through my final, I get a call on my phone - which is only on (vibrate) since I use it as a clock. Since I see it's one of my interviewers, I eventually decide to get up and return the call. And I got a job offer!  

Amazingly I calmed down to (reluctantly) finish my final, which I was very tempted to turn in half-finished. 

To top it all off, I come home to a very lovely celebrating my roommates put together for me! Super touching, including several incredibly thoughtful gifts. Plus champagne. I will definitely miss it here. 

Ok, gots to finish packing.  

Bon voyage!

-Emma

Last class ever!

Man, take away just a bit of accountability (i.e. my project is formally done), and I start missing my post commitments right away. So apologies that it's already Saturday. 

Yesterday I took my last class ever! Definitely bittersweet. It was one of my favourite classes (the one I built our little energy efficient house for), with my favourite prof. I had fun presenting some cool results of our project -- I think I like teaching more than I realise, even though I don't know if I'm any good. Our TAs put on amazing variety show, including this stellar music video.  

I did a couple rounds through school to say goodbye to whomever was around. Many were a little shocked that I was done done, and were convinced that I'd still be around. I gave pretty vague answers of where on earth I'd be in a few months. 

This reminded me of how I've been a bit nervous to stick around in the area. I think it relates to how I've mentally prepared myself to go far, far away, and not stay here as is somewhat the norm. 

I hear back next week from one of the jobs I interviewed with, so I'll know fairly soon what my fate is. 

A friend gave me some great advice related to this last night. If I truly am anxious about getting stuck here, give myself a deadline -- this job is only for X [probably 3] years, and then I leave for where I really want to be. And build in a safety valve, i.e. I'll stay only if I find [this amazingly awesome job/partner/lifestyle/whatever]. 

Another really cool opportunity I'm checking out is to be a d.school fellow. Considering how much effort I've put in the application even over the past couple days, when I certainly have lots of other things I could be doing, I know I'm super excited about it. Even though my chances are maybe 1 in 40. 

In other news, I passed my indpendent study! My advisor apparently liked reading through my progress. 

I head off for my travels next week, so this may turn into a travelogue. And I certainly won't be posting all that frequently. 

Have a fantastic weekend,

Emma

The Happiness Booth succeeds

I'm ending my 9 weeks of self-exploration with an attempt to pass along what I've learned, in an experiential way. I originally thought I'd end with some sort of grandiose motivational talk, but this didn't feel true to my discoveries. Instead, I wanted to reinforce in others the tiny but crucial actions and mindsets that have helped me "build my emotional platform."

My final project was held at my graduation party at my house, so my guests didn't actually know what they were participating in. 

I gave everyone a prompt on an index card, to help them start a conversation with someone else at the party. I asked things like "What made you laugh this week?" Or "What memory from your childhood do you most want to pass on to the next generation?" Or "What do you love about your community?" Guests were instructed to find a partner, discuss their questions, then switch cards and partners. Repeat. 

I also added a special "action" card, which encouraged participants set a goal for a week (similar to my weekly experiments), and post them on the wall. The hope was that public commitment would encourage follow-through. I only got a few goals this way: 

The Happiness Booth was the final element. I sectioned off a corner of my foyer with 2 sarongs and a lamp: 

Inside was a bowl full of questions, and a box to submit your answer in. The questions were: 

• What will you do tonight to be happier?
  
• What will you do tonight to make someone else happier?
• What will you do next week to be happier?
• What will you do next week to make someone else happier?

The responses were heartwarming -- everything from "visit a friend who had a rough week for dinner tonight" to "stargaze, shoegaze," to "bake muffins." Plus a couple R-rated ones I won't reproduce here! 

I have no idea whether these people will actually follow through on these commitments. (That would be something I'd try for the next time -- how to actually track results. Speaking of which, if you did make a commitment, please let me know what happened!) 

But I did get some reassuring feedback. Two friends said they felt happier just because they went into the Happiness Booth, and I heard others say they appreciated the ice breakers and talking about happy subjects. If that's all I get out of this, that's perfectly fine by me!

Now that I've done the formal part of the endeavour, now what? I leave for my travels next week, so maybe I'll morph this into a travelogue. I'd definitely like to keep this and all the other tools I've developed over the past couple months, since I know I'll need them again. 

I bumped into a classmate from last year the other day, who talked about how she's now the happiest she's ever been. She looked to a friend who always seemed to be happy, and aimed to be just like her. That's great motivation for me too -- to keep in mind a guiding light for me to aspire to. And if I can ever be that to someone else, all the better.  

This friend reminded me that it's also perfectly fine to fall out of happiness every once in awhile, so I shouldn't worry about the ups and downs. At least now I have the tools to get back into a good emotional state quickly. 

Thanks so much for those who've followed my journey! I hope to keep this up even if slightly less formally. 

I hope you find your guiding light (wow, I sound so corny now!),

Emma

X-acto serenity

Maybe I didn't need a break after all. Maybe I just needed to get to work. 

I'd been pretty stressed over the past week with huge projects and impending departure. I've been exhausted, anxious, and sad. It's not that I was procrastinating on doing stuff -- I felt like I was running around and busy all the time without making progress. 

But this morning I woke up calm and relieved, despite relatively little sleep. I think it was the x-acto blade that cured me. 

Yesterday I spend all day in the d.school, and probably about 6 hours of that cutting out little shapes. I worked on my prototype for our Savings Circle project, and built most of our energy efficient home model. 

I cranked through til the late evening, missing a hockey game I meant to go to and deciding not to do my last problem set ever. I think both were the right call.   

While the whole affair was tedious and incredibly time-consuming, and we're still not totally done, I felt amazingly refreshed and energized. I even started and finished my taxes when I got home!

Today I'm now excited instead of dreading my graduation party. (The nap I just got up from helped, too.) Speaking of which, I need to go get ready. 

I'll let you know how my final project goes too...

Rejuvinated,

Emma

Break Time

I am quite grateful for my friends tonight who facilitated a much-needed distraction. I've been feeling the stress recently of final projects looming, plus trip planning, paying taxes, and all this other junk that I need to finish before I leave. So despite having tons to do, I went climbing earlier this evening with two friends, and then joined in a spontaneous and surprisingly elaborate dinner afterwards. 

Normally, climbing or dinner with friends are more than enough to make me forget about whatever's bugging me. But it took me until I got home tonight to actually feel relaxed. I wonder if it's because I didn't leave time in the beginning of those activities to let go. Maybe it's not just the activity itself that matters, but the mental transition to that activity that helps clear the mind? Or I could just be too exhausted to be able to appreciate my fun time? 

One friend at dinner reinforced the concept of small actions that lead to happiness. His subtley was that those actions (e.g. "What 3 things made me happy today?") are effective, as long as they're not a chore. Maybe I've been looking at fun activities as an obligation? 

Blogging thus far has been great for keeping me accountable, but I admit it's a lot of pressure I put on myself to write something profound twice a week. I haven't recently been able to use it as a tool for exploration. And ironically, I've developed a bit of stress about designing my final project for this class. I have some ideas, but am a bit concerned about the execution. 

On that note, I'm going to presume my current (albeit brief) malaise is from being way too tired.

Time to take a break, and off to bed!

-Emma

P.S. Lest you be concerned that I'm falling too much back into a pit of anxiety again, I did have a great week -- started yoga again (hip hurts way less!), hung out with good friends, cooked some good meals, and am mostly enjoying the rain.

What gets measured gets done

Last night my group made huge progress on our progress for our d.school class. We've been working on ways to encourage people to save even a little bit of money. Last week, we gave our 4 users really simple prototypes -- envelopes and a notebook to help them track their spending. We were amazed that they all showed up for our second meeting, with envelopes and notebooks in hand. And our prototypes worked!  

Our users' stories were pretty compelling. When he wrote down his spending, one man saw how much he spent on phone service, so he switched to a less expensive plan. A young woman managed to save a little bit, even though last week she laughed at the possibility of saving at all.  

My performance was not so stellar. I was $37 over my budget based on a fictional after-tax income of $20k/year. ("Income" is sort of meaningless for me since mine is a large negative number.) But I did notice that I was especially frugal this week, knowing that I was on a tight budget, and fearing writing down frivolous expenses. I also realised that my current rent would not exactly be sustainable on such an income. 

I share this story both because it was uplifting, but also because it reminds me how busy and exhausted I've been this past week (working on this and other projects). I've taken very little time for myself; I haven't been sleeping much; I haven't been doing anything creative; I've been eating crappy food and not exercising. I think I need to do a better job of measuring even just a part of these things. But I've been doing that (somewhat consistently) on my google spreadsheet... so where's the disconnect?

Maybe it's the accountability component. Our users seemed pretty invested in our process because we created a group -- a community. I've been pretty bad recently about making and then following through with commitments to take time for myself. I'm still posting here regularly, but things like creative morning activity have followed by the wayside. 

So, time to get back on the saddle. I really liked starting my day with something creative. So the my first 15 min of the day I'll devote to something for myself. Like reading, drawing, or meditation. I know I've tried this before, but I think these things take constant maintenance. 

Since I'm already exhausted, I need to gets me to bed soon so I can have an early and refreshing start tomorrow!

-Emma

Too good to be true?

I can't decide yet whether this project is helping at all. I thought by now that I'd have a well defined list of criteria about what I wanted next in life. Then it would be a simple matter of me looking at my options, rating them against these priorities, and something would logically come to the top. And I thought I'd have tons of time to do this. 

Today I interviewed for a very cool-sounding job. Again, with 24hrs notice. I'm hopeful that I've learned something over the past few months, since this time -- unlike last week -- I didn't freak out at all. I calmly called a couple people for help with preparation, and dusted off my suit, which I think I haven't worn in almost a year. It seemed like that approach worked. While I have no idea what they thought of me, I survived my 3 hours of interviewing with relatively little stress. And most importantly, I generally felt like myself.  

The problem now is that I don't know what to do if I'm offered this position. I've gone from nothing, nothing, nothing to super quick turnaround, of maybe a few weeks. Perhaps I'm just flustered from the interview, but I'm having trouble weighing my (uncertain) options. 

Maybe through all this self-discovery I forgot to work on specifics. Or maybe through all this exploration of uncertainty I will emerge with some sort of compass.

I've definitely had problems trusting that everything will be ok. For now I'm off to a gathering of friends, so hopefully that will offer some relief and a forum for debriefing. 

Taking a deep breath, 

Emma

Prompts of rediscovering roots

I went to a couple of events on campus this week that help me re-centre myself just a little. The first was a speech by the CEO of Exxon. (No, I still haven't sold my soul...) I only went at the last minute since a friend had an extra ticket, and I got out of lab early. While the talk was ridiculously boring -- I even asked a question along the lines of how he could be less boring and more inspirational -- I was reminded, yet again, that I don't want to work for the dark side. Mostly because of a void of imaginitive and inspirational leaders. Not exactly a new revelation for me, but a pleasant reminder that I'd much rather keep looking for something amazing to do than settle for something I don't fully believe in.

Last night I saw Joel Salatin from Polyface, a "family owned, multi-generational, pasture-based, beyond organic, local-market farm and informational outreach in Virginia's Shenandoah Valley." Coincidentally, a friend also invited me at the last minute. I'm glad that I'm sticking to my schedule of flexibility so I have time for this sort of spontaneous encounter.

Joel speaks with the cadence of a preacher. While I was less of a groupie than many of the other audience members, I certainly founder myself reacting with a secular version of "amen" at the end of his phrases. His photos of his pigs tramping around in manure and his son skinning rabbits was surprisingly the closest I've felt to wanting to give up being veggie. (I'm guessing more people thought this part was rather disgusting and would instead switch them to vegetarianism.) Most importantly, I got the urge to 1, go back to the east coast, and 2, be in the woods again.

Since I left home, I've always had this tension of choosing between making a high-level difference and creating a small life that I love. Going back to my community exploration, I still haven't figured out how to reconcile being around bright ambitious people in a thriving environment (most likely urban) and living in the country. This talk and Joel's pictures reminded me that I need to keep trying. His answer to my question along such lines is that he relies on his customers as a support network. That's fine if you're an easy drive from yuppy DC suburbs, but what if you're really out there and not near a wealthy urban centre?

(Another random thought -- why do I feel compelled to ask questions in talks like these?)


Since I have to go, a brief recap on my clothing experiment. So far I've tried to dress as "Relieved," "Rugged," and "Excited." I don't know how well I'm doing externally, but I think the best part is thinking in the shower about how I feel that morning.


Have an exciting weekend!
-Emma

How do I bounce back sooner?

Yesterday I was feeling pretty crummy. It wasn't just that something put me in a bad mood, but that I let that thing get to me. Now that my demeanour is dramatically improved, I can evaluate why I felt so crummy and how I could have improved my mood sooner.  

I freaked out a bit yesterday about an interview process. I got a call in the morning asking to schedule a phone call with me for the next day, i.e. this morning. Sadly I didn't get to enjoy my free Monday, catching up on homework and relaxing. Instead, I spent the day preparing for this interview, being mad at the process, and worrying I would bomb the whole thing. 

A large part of the reason I let this bug me all day is that I had unknowingly invested too much in this particular job. What ended up being a mere hiccup, only yesterday appeared as losing all hope in not just this opportunity, but everything else I had in mind. My logic isn't exactly reasonable here, but I think I told myself that because I don't have enough time to prepare for this, then I won't do well, and therefore I won't do well on anything else. This super hurtful association has got to go. I need to focus on taking little pieces at a time and putting on some blinders. I also need to spend more time discovering what I'm actually deeply emotionally invested in that I'm not aware about. Know of any techniques for that?

Another reason my bad mood persisted I think is because I was alone when this interview shock first occured yesterday. I've realised I've become incredibly sensitive to being around friends and people I can share stories (and complaints) with. I am so grateful to be surrounded by lots of great listeners who put up with me. If I don't have this immediate outlet, then I think I have difficulty processing adverse situations quickly. I need to learn some alternative techniques here. Maybe I should start meditation again? (Which I haven't done in a couple weeks....)

In the end, my friends and family who help me out were, of course, right. I was sweating bullets during the interview, but felt like myself and don't think I could have done any better with more preparation. If it doesn't work out, then I couldn't have expected any more from myself.

In other news, I need to start another weekly experiment. A friend of my roommate visiting today suggested I use clothing as personal art. Dress as though I were a canvas, and express my mood for the day. She maintained that it's a grounding experience. Considering my utter lack of fashion abilities, I'm a bit skeptical, and this should be pretty challenging. Hopefully I can have fun with it. 

That's all for tonight, folks. I'm happy I'm back into my happy and non-crummy mood. Thanks for your help!

-Emma

Everything happens for a reason

My college roommate would often give this advice, which I've usually found rather helpful in times of uncertainty or distress. I've never interpreted this quote as a fatalistic approach. Instead I use it to remind myself that good things come out of seemingly unfortunate events. 

My thoughts today circle around serendipity. I noticed this especially yesterday when I bumped into 2 friends at a coffee shop while I was catching up with another friend I hadn't seen in awhile. I had been slightly bummed that I hadn't been able to meet with someone about a job (he had an extremely good reason to cancel at the last minute), but instead was grateful for the extra time I had just for myself. Unexpectedly seeing good friends all in one place signifigantly brightened up my day. 

  

This seemingly random encounter links to my thoughts about community building last week. If people who make you smile live or hang out near each other, then such a convergence is not so unexpected after all. The trick is to either become friends with the people who live around you -- which relies partly on you wanting to befriend those folks, and on you being around long enough for those relationships to develop; or to get your friends all come live near you. 

I've been somewhat conflicted still about the close vs. far-reaching approach to community. I love having friends all over the world from my many life phases and adventures. In my round-the-world trip coming up next month, I plan to stay with friends or their friends and family throughout the whole time. 

But I also want to be in a place where I can serendipetously meet a friend I pass by in the park. Or teach a cooking class regularly at the local Boys & Girls Club, which I did for first time tonight (and it was so much fun!). Plus this lifestyle is much more energy- and climate-friendly. Definitely not sustainable to have everyone flying around the world all the time to visit their dispersed loved-ones.  

I meant for this to be slightly more thoughtful, but I really need to be done with this now. My serendipetous encounter this evening was when I went from being very lonely at home to now all my roommates being here and hanging out together. So I'm glad that I stayed in tonight after all.  

I should also note that have indeed noticed that there's this thing called Valentine's Day tomorrow. Despite knowing full well that this should not bother me in the least, seeing . I should instead be grateful that I don't need to coordinate my next phase in life with anyone else, and that I can shape myself in this next step however I like. 

Ok, I'm out. I need to remember not to procrastinate until late Friday night to write!  

Have a lovely weekend,

Emma

A hint of separation anxiety

I leave in 5 weeks. 

I'm not particularly weepy about this right now, and I've been surprisingly calm about facing the end of this phase of my life. Again, my chill attitude is coming in handy. 

Amidst all my excitement and content recently, I do admit that I've noticed a slight sense ofdisappointment. I think it's related to me leaving -- both the geography (although there's a lot of uncertainty around this for the long-term) and the experience. 

I find it a bit odd that I don't have a strong desire to squeeze every last little bit out of what this place and these people have to offer. I don't feel rushed or over-planned. It sort of reminds me of early on in my project when I seemed to have mellowed out both the highs and the lows. I managed toovercome that issue (I've had lots of very enjoyable experiences, and almost no depressing ones), but it's reemerged over the past few days as I face separation with mostly a sense of evenness but slightly tilting towards some sort of sadness.  

The sadness part seems perfectly reasonable to me. But I've also noticed a bizarre sense of jealousy, and I'm not really sure where that comes from how to process that. Am I jealous that many of my friends get to stay here, see each other frequently, and continue to develop those relationships?  Is it that I'm now in this nebulous soon-to-be-unemployed phase between the starving student and the grown-up working working woman? Or perhaps I really want that climax and denouement of graduation parties and then vacation before embarking on a new endevour? I do in theory get to celebrate my end of school, but it's not surrounded by the hubbub of everyone doing it around me too.  

Which brings me back to my study on community. Most of my musings this week were on in-person interaction. I won't talk specifics for the sake of my own and my friends' privacy, but I did mull over a few examples of strong community I noticed over the past week: 

- Being around people of similar values

- Having physical places to spontaneously interact with people in my community

- Friends to share ideas with and who can provide positive reinforcement

- Others making me feel welcome

Again, not particularly mind-blowing stuff.  I did, however, find it a good reminder to identify the specific sense of place and people that go into creating this strong community that I have now. Perhaps it's the act of appreciation itself, and less so on the specific components, that is actually strengthening my sense of community. 

  

I'm sort of surprised that my focus on celebration/graduation/transition relates to what I perceive others to be doing around me. Why should it matter whether the rest of my school is or isn't graduating at the same time as I am? Am I worried I'll be forgotten? Do I need to feel that I'm part of a larger community ritual for my ritual to matter? I felt this last part particularly strongly the other night during a very small seder I hosted for Tu Bishvat, the birthday of the trees. To think that I was exploring my relationship to nuts and dates (hey, it's a really hippy holiday) similarly to how this was done thousands of years ago was pretty powerful. 

So while I've tended to focus recently on community in the very small and direct and physical sense of the world, I should also remind myself that there is a much larger definition of the word community that deserves my attention too.  I think reminding myself of this latter point can help me remember that I don't have to think of this transition as "leaving" anything in a painful way. 

For goodness sakes, I'm sharing these thoughts with you in all corners of the world. To think I'd be worried about losing a community! 

With a sense of togetherness,

Emma

The power of tiny reinforcement

I admit that I missed my Friday post. Since I often tell others not to apologise for things they don't actually need forgiveness for, I will not explicitly apologise for my oversight. 

Instead of documenting my thoughts and activities over the past few days, I spent my Friday talking with friends and acquaintences about job stuff; realising I really need to get cracking on midterm studying; lunching with a higher-up from my former oil employer; planning for our China trip; and hanging out with old friends at a house party in the city. All followed up by a sunny walk across SF this morning, and lunch with a classmate from last year. (At the Delancey Street Restaurant which has a very cool mission.)

While the details of my day aren't really important, my excuse for being tardy on the prose is that I'm focusing on community building this week. There's no better study than to actually spend time with people I want to maintain relationships with. I haven't been particularly consistent about seeing friends who live barely 40 miles from me, but it's comforting to know that I can pick up a conversation when I do happen to be around.  

I've also been comforted recently by tiny bits of positive reinforcement. I'm doing pretty well at not worrying about my lack of employment post-graduation. Now that I've taken some time away from the ol' job hunt, it's time for me to get back into the actual search. Last week I did an email blitz out to friends, friends of friends, old acquaintences, and alumni. Very quickly, sometimes within a few hours, I got some promising replies from people who are happy to help. 

Previously I'd been pretty discouraged about doing those cold calls, probably because I hadn't gotten responses before. But even hearing back from a few folks over the past few days has given me the confidence to press on and have a much more positive attitude about my search.  

It's tough to give myself the advice that I just have to be patient and persistent. But the key to remember is that it doesn't actually require that much effort. It only takes a tiny bit of positive feedback to keep me going. 

I just started Alan Lew's "This is Real and You Are Completely Unprepared" about the Days of Awe. Pretty heavy (and inspiring) stuff, but I'm glad to not be reading it during the actual Days of Awe. Sort of like watching a horror movie in the daylight to relieve some of the tension. I'm hoping it will be a helpful coda to my focus on transitions. 

Happy weekend,

Emma

Community of creativity

I just got back from the coolest event -- a chamber music performance by these amazing young musicians put on by Music@Menlo, held in a local couple's gorgeous home. The occasion was free, just for young professionals/students, and included fabulous food and drink. (Make sure to check out their summer festival!) I've been pretty happy over the past week, and this definitely pushed me even higher on the delighted scale.  

At first I thought I was so excited because the event fits in nicely with my recent focus on creativity. I've been playing some violin over the past few weeks, and here's my first live performance in a long time as inspiration of what the potential of my instrument (and not necessarily my fingers) is.  

But there's another key component that I think is more crucial. It's the community associated with that creativity. This community can start out very small -- for now even just one person has made a difference. The performance tonight was not just me listening to music in isolation, or in an anonymous concert hall. Several of my classmates attended, and including one who's a good friend. Many of the audience members used to play an instrument, and it was great to reminisce or talk about how we have or haven't kept up with it. 

On Sunday I went to my second klezmer rehearsal. I certainly haven't gotten any better, but this time was a lot less harrowing than the first session. I think the two biggest components were that a friend of mine walked in with her violin, so I got to chat and catch up with her; and another new girl set a more playful and less intense vibe for the group. 

My last example is staying up far too late last night finishing my d.school project. This could have easily been a rather painful experience. I ended up having a great (ok, semi-enjoyable) time since a friend and some classmates were there to chat and throw ideas around together.  

I realise that having a partner you know beforehand is not necessary for appreciating music, or creating a sketchbook, or for having fun playing the violin. I certainly could have made friends with someone at any of these events. But it has helped me so far to have an ally to start with, and it's been easier if that ally is someone who's already a friend. 

Since I just thought of this tonight, I haven't researched at all on the role of allies in enjoyable or fulfilling creative processes. I'm currently reading Rachael Kessler's The Soul of Education, a powerful collection of stories about high school students and their transition to adulthood. So far she's only talked about creativity from the individual perspective, but hopefully I'll finish that chapter tomorrow. I know the d.school is big on collaboration for innovation and insight, but I haven't heard evidence (besides my own anecdotes) on whether collaboration actually makes creativy more fun. Could it be simply because you spend time and build relationships with people you enjoy, while doing a common actvity? Because someone's there to validate your creativity? Because you feel less pressure and are able to produce better work around another person? I suppose I don't really need to identify the mechanism here, but I think it's worth considering to see what pieces are crucial to retain when I'm not making really really long sketchbooks or hanging out listening to chamber music all the time.  

This brings me to my next stage of my project -- community building. I think I've done a decent job of tackling the initial anxiety part. I remember hearing about Urban Tribes when I lived in DC, and I'd like to revisit that concept. Haven't quite thought about where I'll take that. 

I'm also thinking about what I want my final project to look like. Any ideas? 

Check-in with my weekly experiments. Morning creative ritual (mostly sketching) going fantastically. Daily walks, sadly, I haven't managed to fit in as much. I can't figure out if I just need to get up earlier or whether I should cut something else out of my morning. At least I've been biking a bit more.  

Next experiment -- Add at least one item a morning to a list I will now put on my wall (throwback to college) of what is important to me in creating community. At the end of the day I'll come home and add something I did or saw that reinforced (or hurt) that aspect of community. I don't know yet whether this will be lame or awesome. 

Insipiredly (?), 

Emma

How long will this last?

Yes, it is very late on a Friday night, but goshdarnit I will stick to my commitment and post through thick and thin. Or through late dinner parties and lots of wine.  

Most of my work and personal focus are about sustainability. Normally I think about environmental impacts, but this week I've been wondering about personal sustainability of my projects and mini assignments. How much of my happiness now is tied to having the time to spend on things like contemplation, building personal relationships, doing creative activities like drawing and music, and all the other little things I think have really supported my happiness over the past few weeks? 

A few things give me hope. One is that I know from an academic or a research perspective that it's not my circumstance but my approach that affects my happiness level. Even when I become busier, it doesn't take extra time to smile or tell people that I'm doing fantastically (one of my approaches to reinforce my positive demeanour); or push conversations to a deeper level. I also think that I don't have to spend quite as much time doing all the other creative or meditative activities I'm doing now. Given that I'm now spending perhaps 2-5 minutes in the morning doing little sketches, that seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to integrate into my life at any point.  

I'm also encouraged that it's relatively easy to develop good habits. Even writing now is a great example. I'm really tired and don't have anything profound to say, nor have I done any research this week, but I'm still posting because I commited publicly to doing so. I love tm's suggestion to try swimming (despite me saying how hard it would be to start), so perhaps I need to publicly commit to set up a time to do so together to keep each other accountable. I've gone on a walk every morning since Tuesday, but not half an hour all at once, and it's not yet fun. I think it's because I feel rushed, and I haven't yet molded it into my morning routine. I'm hopeful that I'll start waking up early enough to make it work. Saturday morning will be a bit easier! 

My other sustainability question is about lifestyle where I want to live after I finish school. I just found out I have an interview with the Canadian government for a cool program I applied to a couple of months ago. I'm excited about the possibility, and I'm thinking through what my life would be like there vs. at, for example, an energy company here (not that either things are actually options now), and where I'd best be able to maintain and support all these happiness elements I'm working on now. I'd don't feel totally comfortable writing more details here, but I'd be happy to talk to anyone individually if you're interested.  

Speaking of personal sustainability, I should really go to bed.  

Sleep tight,

Emma

Will I let my knee make me unhappy?

In the past few weeks I've gotten into a vicious cycle of not being physically active, and getting bummed out about it.

I am well aware that exercising regularly increases happiness. Lots of research points to this, with a few examples coming from this blogger's summary, a CBC article, and the BC government. So why am I not taking to heart this fairly straightforward advice?

My excuse has been me knee, which decided to become very painful again 2 weeks ago after a year of behaving itself. I haven't been able to run or climb, although I can now walk and bike after various trips to the doctor and prescription drugs. Thankfully there's nothing structurally wrong with me, and I've been told it's treatable with lots of physical therapy. Yay.

In the meantime, though, my challenge is similar to other anxieties I started with. I can't dwell on this problem in a way that I let it become part of my identity. I could easily become attached to complaining about my knee and hip hurting all the time (which I admit I do a lot now). There are plenty of things I can do to exercise. I just need to choose activities that aren't painful, and that I can fold into my existing patterns. I also need to remember that it's ok to start small. Normally I wouldn't considering walking as "real" exercise, but I think that's where I have to start for now. Swimming would be great, but I acknowledge that I have a significant mental barrier to entry to getting my butt over to and into the pool.

The bigger question is what it means for me to rely on my physical body as a source of happiness. What if I couldn't ever run or even move around on my own again? There are tons of studies showing the tendency to recover emotionally from disabilities. This study gives an interesting economic perspective, and the intro has a great overview of the literature.

My brother is currently traveling in India for a few months (and writing about it here). We chatted last night, and he reminded me to try to get out of the illusory world, which of course can be achieved through meditation. (I admit that I've been bad about meditating in the past week.) But, if I am stuck in this corporeal existence, I may as well make the most of it, with the knowldge that there's a better state beyond this physical one. Chatting online is not exactly the best way to convey this type of information, but I did get something out of the conversation with my brother. My takeaway is that I should treat my body and mind as best as I can for now. If/when I'm no longer physically able, then I regroup and focus on the other paths to happiness or a higher state of being.


Update on my creativity experiment: I love spending even 3 minutes in the morning sketching silly things. I finally bought myself Drawing for the Artistically Undiscovered, by Quentin Blake who illustrated all the Roald Dahl books. He has lots of fun prompts, and this morning I drew a page full of mops and brooms. I've also been playing a lot of violin. Last week I took my first fiddle lesson in 14 years; I tried out for a klezmer band; and I went to an American folk tune jam session at a pizza place nearby. I was the youngest person by 2 decades. All of these experiences have been rather frightening, since it's all new content for me, but for brief moments I let myself get lost in the music. It's a wonderful de-stressor since you can't think about much else when you're listening intently and staring at someone else's fingers to desperately try to follow along.

Next week's experiment: Go for a 30 min walk in the morning. I tried it this morning and really enjoyed seeing the neighbourhood at a slightly slower pace. I bike almost everywhere and being on foot feels somewhat liberating.

I'll work more on appreciating that my body does a lot for me even if it's not perfect, and in turn being kinder to it too.


Off for a stroll,
Emma

Mellowing out

Recently I've gotten much better at avoiding anxiety, stress, and worry. Surprisingly, though, I haven't had as much exciting emotional highs. 

tm's comment remind's me that most recent research points to your state of mind affecting your happiness level, rather than your circumstances. The How of Happiness, which we read in our "Quest for Happiness" class last quarter, focuses on this point. Specifically, Lyubomirsky says only 10% of happiness is based on circumstances, while ~half is due to attitude and simple behaviors.  

I do like this focus on state of mind, but I'm not completely sure where the line is between simple actions like "smile more" or "building personal relationships" and circumstances. I've been spending lots of time doing those simple positive acts (like talking more wiht friends, or taking my first fiddle lesson in 14 years).  But how much of me doing this is dependent on me creating the circumstance to put aside time for these sorts of things?  

I've been getting better at being patient, so I'm perfectly willing to test out this line. And to see whether my lack of emotional highs is a short-term effect, or a trade-off of getting rid of anxiety, or something else I need to change my attitude about. Hopefully the latter. 

The positive psychology folks don't see patience as one of the 24 "Character Strength or Virtue" for some reason I have yet to understand, perhaps due to symantics and nuance, which I don't think are worth worrying about. I like practicing slowing down a bit more and not getting annoyed when things don't work out right away. 

My experiment of starting my day with a creative activity is going well. for now it's just a couple sketches. Much better than staring at email in the morning. Suggestions of what to try out next week?

Patiently,

Emma

Creating structure

I realised early on in my project that I wanted more structure.  I have 2 main reasons: 

1. I feel guilty about engaging in such self-indulgent activities, and have felt as though I'm "wasting time," and 
2. I hope that adding some structure will help me share my experience with others.

1. My first concern, that I'm "wasting time," is not exactly supportive of what I'm trying to accomplish here -- spend serious time thinking about what's important to me, and shape the next stage of my life. I think that concern is rather telling of a few points: 

I feel better when I have some structure to guide my time. This seems perfectly reasonable, and I'll chalk this up to a deeper understanding of how I work well. While this doesn't seem like a huge discovery, it's telling that I can't really remember the last time I had even a few hours of unstructured time regularly throughout my week. I can also do something about this issue relatively easily. I'll spend some time experimenting with various ways of scheduling time for specific activities. I already keep a log of project-related activities, but this is retroactive. This daily routine seems a bit too structured, but I do like the suggestion to start out your day with a creative activity (and not checking email), and to get up and move around more.  Since I'm taking a d.school class, I could easily start with a drawing exercise.

The next point about my concern of being too self-indulgent with my time is slightly more disconcerting. I feel somewhat guilty that I don't deserve this time for myself, since I'm relatively emotionally stable and shouldn't have anything to worry about. My reaction now is that everyone should take time for themselves, if nothing more than to prevent any small concerns or anxieties from getting worse. 

A friend this weekend offered a different perspective -- that in business we spend so much time planning, strategising, and executing, but we rarely spend time reflecting to improve that circular process. So I'm just actively making time to what many of my friends and classmates don't have the opportunity to do. 

2. The spirit of helping others brings me to my second main point. I've told several friends about my project, and this blog is my first attempt to make my project more public. My friend Nina suggested this, and this weekend gave me more suggestions about how to improve the usefulness of my blog.  

One is simply posting consistently. I'm choosing Tuesdays and Fridays. Hopefully that will provide some mid- and end-of-week procrastination for anyone who needs it. 

Second is incorporating and commenting on others' posts. I've started to include some links in this post. I'd love your suggestions of other good blogs I should read. Hopefully looking at others' work will help with my creativity and broaden my perspective. 

Third is to be a lab for others' experiments. What should I try for a day or a week? I don't expect to be as bold as The Happiness Project, but in her spirit of satisficing, I will start out small. My first project, as I mentioned above, is to start my day with a creative activity.  

My mood right now: Very happy. Perhaps influenced by just watching Obama swearing in as President. Or my amazing weekend with sunny warm weather in the woods and by the beach with good friends. I know this euphoria won't last long, but I'm excited while it lasts!

Back to my schedule,

Emma

Solve the right problem

I discovered a new approach tonight in my design school class, Transformative Design. The session was about "personal transformation." One task involved writing a sentence about a problem that's bugging you. I wrote "How do I eliminate my anxiety about what to do next with my life?"  

The next step is to answer what would happen if you solved the original question. Well, I'd be happier and would be able to enjoy my life more now. This, then, is the actual question ("How do I become happier and enjoy life more?"), while the original problem is just one solution.  

Apparently, according to the professor, my real solution is simple: "Just stop worrying. Let go of your problems and don't let them become part of your identity." 

I could easily say that I can't do it. But I'm willing to apply my newfound d.school approach of not shooting down ideas in the brainstorming phase. So stay tuned for what happens when I "just stop worrying." 

I'll also work on identifying underlying problems on other things I've been concerned about. Like getting a job. If I get a job, then what? One answer is that I'll be able to pay for rent and other things like traveling around the world. So to solve this, today I just took out a crapload more loans to cover me in the meantime, in case I don't find another source of income any time soon. I think that'll help me "just stop worrying."

I'm now reading a chapter on "anxiety" in The Courage to Be. The author proposes that anxiety is what happens when you face meaninglessness. Perhaps I'm simply looking for meaning in myself or validation through a job? I should know that this is fairly ridiculous, but the association of work/meaning still creeps up on me; perhaps from being in business school too long. Another thing I simply need to let go of. 

With slightly more clarity,

Emma

What's an emotional platform, and why build one?

"What are you doing next?"

As I finish up grad school, I get this a lot. I find it a hard question to answer. It requires knowing myself and my own priorities, and knowing what the questioner actually wants to hear. As I don't have a good standard answer at this point, I must either find the courage to say that I don't know, or give a partial answer to avoid the underlying question.

Given how much anxiety this question has caused me, I decided to spend some serious time thinking about it more formally. This blog is part of my independent study (yes, I get credit for this) as my final units at Stanford GSB. Prof. Rod Kramer is my advisor, and is helping me shape my reading list and adding his vast academic experience in this field.

My emotional platform will be a collection of thoughts, experiences, readings, conversations, and journeys I piece together over (at least) the next 10 weeks. My goal isn't necessarily to answer the question of "What next?". Instead, I want to be able to put myself in an emotional state where I can deal with this question with less anxiety, and decide best how to answer it.

My guess is that some of you are struggling or have struggled with similar issues. My intention of sharing this experience with you is that I want to hear your thoughts and help others through this process too.

What should I be reading? What's been helpful for you during this type of transition? How should I be spending my time?

I'll be posting my thoughts, reading lists, and other adventures soon. Any and all (constructive) feedback is most welcome. This is also my first blog, so I'm playing around with the content and tech aspects too.

-Emma