How long will this last?

Yes, it is very late on a Friday night, but goshdarnit I will stick to my commitment and post through thick and thin. Or through late dinner parties and lots of wine.  

Most of my work and personal focus are about sustainability. Normally I think about environmental impacts, but this week I've been wondering about personal sustainability of my projects and mini assignments. How much of my happiness now is tied to having the time to spend on things like contemplation, building personal relationships, doing creative activities like drawing and music, and all the other little things I think have really supported my happiness over the past few weeks? 

A few things give me hope. One is that I know from an academic or a research perspective that it's not my circumstance but my approach that affects my happiness level. Even when I become busier, it doesn't take extra time to smile or tell people that I'm doing fantastically (one of my approaches to reinforce my positive demeanour); or push conversations to a deeper level. I also think that I don't have to spend quite as much time doing all the other creative or meditative activities I'm doing now. Given that I'm now spending perhaps 2-5 minutes in the morning doing little sketches, that seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to integrate into my life at any point.  

I'm also encouraged that it's relatively easy to develop good habits. Even writing now is a great example. I'm really tired and don't have anything profound to say, nor have I done any research this week, but I'm still posting because I commited publicly to doing so. I love tm's suggestion to try swimming (despite me saying how hard it would be to start), so perhaps I need to publicly commit to set up a time to do so together to keep each other accountable. I've gone on a walk every morning since Tuesday, but not half an hour all at once, and it's not yet fun. I think it's because I feel rushed, and I haven't yet molded it into my morning routine. I'm hopeful that I'll start waking up early enough to make it work. Saturday morning will be a bit easier! 

My other sustainability question is about lifestyle where I want to live after I finish school. I just found out I have an interview with the Canadian government for a cool program I applied to a couple of months ago. I'm excited about the possibility, and I'm thinking through what my life would be like there vs. at, for example, an energy company here (not that either things are actually options now), and where I'd best be able to maintain and support all these happiness elements I'm working on now. I'd don't feel totally comfortable writing more details here, but I'd be happy to talk to anyone individually if you're interested.  

Speaking of personal sustainability, I should really go to bed.  

Sleep tight,

Emma

Will I let my knee make me unhappy?

In the past few weeks I've gotten into a vicious cycle of not being physically active, and getting bummed out about it.

I am well aware that exercising regularly increases happiness. Lots of research points to this, with a few examples coming from this blogger's summary, a CBC article, and the BC government. So why am I not taking to heart this fairly straightforward advice?

My excuse has been me knee, which decided to become very painful again 2 weeks ago after a year of behaving itself. I haven't been able to run or climb, although I can now walk and bike after various trips to the doctor and prescription drugs. Thankfully there's nothing structurally wrong with me, and I've been told it's treatable with lots of physical therapy. Yay.

In the meantime, though, my challenge is similar to other anxieties I started with. I can't dwell on this problem in a way that I let it become part of my identity. I could easily become attached to complaining about my knee and hip hurting all the time (which I admit I do a lot now). There are plenty of things I can do to exercise. I just need to choose activities that aren't painful, and that I can fold into my existing patterns. I also need to remember that it's ok to start small. Normally I wouldn't considering walking as "real" exercise, but I think that's where I have to start for now. Swimming would be great, but I acknowledge that I have a significant mental barrier to entry to getting my butt over to and into the pool.

The bigger question is what it means for me to rely on my physical body as a source of happiness. What if I couldn't ever run or even move around on my own again? There are tons of studies showing the tendency to recover emotionally from disabilities. This study gives an interesting economic perspective, and the intro has a great overview of the literature.

My brother is currently traveling in India for a few months (and writing about it here). We chatted last night, and he reminded me to try to get out of the illusory world, which of course can be achieved through meditation. (I admit that I've been bad about meditating in the past week.) But, if I am stuck in this corporeal existence, I may as well make the most of it, with the knowldge that there's a better state beyond this physical one. Chatting online is not exactly the best way to convey this type of information, but I did get something out of the conversation with my brother. My takeaway is that I should treat my body and mind as best as I can for now. If/when I'm no longer physically able, then I regroup and focus on the other paths to happiness or a higher state of being.


Update on my creativity experiment: I love spending even 3 minutes in the morning sketching silly things. I finally bought myself Drawing for the Artistically Undiscovered, by Quentin Blake who illustrated all the Roald Dahl books. He has lots of fun prompts, and this morning I drew a page full of mops and brooms. I've also been playing a lot of violin. Last week I took my first fiddle lesson in 14 years; I tried out for a klezmer band; and I went to an American folk tune jam session at a pizza place nearby. I was the youngest person by 2 decades. All of these experiences have been rather frightening, since it's all new content for me, but for brief moments I let myself get lost in the music. It's a wonderful de-stressor since you can't think about much else when you're listening intently and staring at someone else's fingers to desperately try to follow along.

Next week's experiment: Go for a 30 min walk in the morning. I tried it this morning and really enjoyed seeing the neighbourhood at a slightly slower pace. I bike almost everywhere and being on foot feels somewhat liberating.

I'll work more on appreciating that my body does a lot for me even if it's not perfect, and in turn being kinder to it too.


Off for a stroll,
Emma

Mellowing out

Recently I've gotten much better at avoiding anxiety, stress, and worry. Surprisingly, though, I haven't had as much exciting emotional highs. 

tm's comment remind's me that most recent research points to your state of mind affecting your happiness level, rather than your circumstances. The How of Happiness, which we read in our "Quest for Happiness" class last quarter, focuses on this point. Specifically, Lyubomirsky says only 10% of happiness is based on circumstances, while ~half is due to attitude and simple behaviors.  

I do like this focus on state of mind, but I'm not completely sure where the line is between simple actions like "smile more" or "building personal relationships" and circumstances. I've been spending lots of time doing those simple positive acts (like talking more wiht friends, or taking my first fiddle lesson in 14 years).  But how much of me doing this is dependent on me creating the circumstance to put aside time for these sorts of things?  

I've been getting better at being patient, so I'm perfectly willing to test out this line. And to see whether my lack of emotional highs is a short-term effect, or a trade-off of getting rid of anxiety, or something else I need to change my attitude about. Hopefully the latter. 

The positive psychology folks don't see patience as one of the 24 "Character Strength or Virtue" for some reason I have yet to understand, perhaps due to symantics and nuance, which I don't think are worth worrying about. I like practicing slowing down a bit more and not getting annoyed when things don't work out right away. 

My experiment of starting my day with a creative activity is going well. for now it's just a couple sketches. Much better than staring at email in the morning. Suggestions of what to try out next week?

Patiently,

Emma

Creating structure

I realised early on in my project that I wanted more structure.  I have 2 main reasons: 

1. I feel guilty about engaging in such self-indulgent activities, and have felt as though I'm "wasting time," and 
2. I hope that adding some structure will help me share my experience with others.

1. My first concern, that I'm "wasting time," is not exactly supportive of what I'm trying to accomplish here -- spend serious time thinking about what's important to me, and shape the next stage of my life. I think that concern is rather telling of a few points: 

I feel better when I have some structure to guide my time. This seems perfectly reasonable, and I'll chalk this up to a deeper understanding of how I work well. While this doesn't seem like a huge discovery, it's telling that I can't really remember the last time I had even a few hours of unstructured time regularly throughout my week. I can also do something about this issue relatively easily. I'll spend some time experimenting with various ways of scheduling time for specific activities. I already keep a log of project-related activities, but this is retroactive. This daily routine seems a bit too structured, but I do like the suggestion to start out your day with a creative activity (and not checking email), and to get up and move around more.  Since I'm taking a d.school class, I could easily start with a drawing exercise.

The next point about my concern of being too self-indulgent with my time is slightly more disconcerting. I feel somewhat guilty that I don't deserve this time for myself, since I'm relatively emotionally stable and shouldn't have anything to worry about. My reaction now is that everyone should take time for themselves, if nothing more than to prevent any small concerns or anxieties from getting worse. 

A friend this weekend offered a different perspective -- that in business we spend so much time planning, strategising, and executing, but we rarely spend time reflecting to improve that circular process. So I'm just actively making time to what many of my friends and classmates don't have the opportunity to do. 

2. The spirit of helping others brings me to my second main point. I've told several friends about my project, and this blog is my first attempt to make my project more public. My friend Nina suggested this, and this weekend gave me more suggestions about how to improve the usefulness of my blog.  

One is simply posting consistently. I'm choosing Tuesdays and Fridays. Hopefully that will provide some mid- and end-of-week procrastination for anyone who needs it. 

Second is incorporating and commenting on others' posts. I've started to include some links in this post. I'd love your suggestions of other good blogs I should read. Hopefully looking at others' work will help with my creativity and broaden my perspective. 

Third is to be a lab for others' experiments. What should I try for a day or a week? I don't expect to be as bold as The Happiness Project, but in her spirit of satisficing, I will start out small. My first project, as I mentioned above, is to start my day with a creative activity.  

My mood right now: Very happy. Perhaps influenced by just watching Obama swearing in as President. Or my amazing weekend with sunny warm weather in the woods and by the beach with good friends. I know this euphoria won't last long, but I'm excited while it lasts!

Back to my schedule,

Emma

Solve the right problem

I discovered a new approach tonight in my design school class, Transformative Design. The session was about "personal transformation." One task involved writing a sentence about a problem that's bugging you. I wrote "How do I eliminate my anxiety about what to do next with my life?"  

The next step is to answer what would happen if you solved the original question. Well, I'd be happier and would be able to enjoy my life more now. This, then, is the actual question ("How do I become happier and enjoy life more?"), while the original problem is just one solution.  

Apparently, according to the professor, my real solution is simple: "Just stop worrying. Let go of your problems and don't let them become part of your identity." 

I could easily say that I can't do it. But I'm willing to apply my newfound d.school approach of not shooting down ideas in the brainstorming phase. So stay tuned for what happens when I "just stop worrying." 

I'll also work on identifying underlying problems on other things I've been concerned about. Like getting a job. If I get a job, then what? One answer is that I'll be able to pay for rent and other things like traveling around the world. So to solve this, today I just took out a crapload more loans to cover me in the meantime, in case I don't find another source of income any time soon. I think that'll help me "just stop worrying."

I'm now reading a chapter on "anxiety" in The Courage to Be. The author proposes that anxiety is what happens when you face meaninglessness. Perhaps I'm simply looking for meaning in myself or validation through a job? I should know that this is fairly ridiculous, but the association of work/meaning still creeps up on me; perhaps from being in business school too long. Another thing I simply need to let go of. 

With slightly more clarity,

Emma

What's an emotional platform, and why build one?

"What are you doing next?"

As I finish up grad school, I get this a lot. I find it a hard question to answer. It requires knowing myself and my own priorities, and knowing what the questioner actually wants to hear. As I don't have a good standard answer at this point, I must either find the courage to say that I don't know, or give a partial answer to avoid the underlying question.

Given how much anxiety this question has caused me, I decided to spend some serious time thinking about it more formally. This blog is part of my independent study (yes, I get credit for this) as my final units at Stanford GSB. Prof. Rod Kramer is my advisor, and is helping me shape my reading list and adding his vast academic experience in this field.

My emotional platform will be a collection of thoughts, experiences, readings, conversations, and journeys I piece together over (at least) the next 10 weeks. My goal isn't necessarily to answer the question of "What next?". Instead, I want to be able to put myself in an emotional state where I can deal with this question with less anxiety, and decide best how to answer it.

My guess is that some of you are struggling or have struggled with similar issues. My intention of sharing this experience with you is that I want to hear your thoughts and help others through this process too.

What should I be reading? What's been helpful for you during this type of transition? How should I be spending my time?

I'll be posting my thoughts, reading lists, and other adventures soon. Any and all (constructive) feedback is most welcome. This is also my first blog, so I'm playing around with the content and tech aspects too.

-Emma