I leave in 5 weeks.
I'm not particularly weepy about this right now, and I've been surprisingly calm about facing the end of this phase of my life. Again, my chill attitude is coming in handy.
Amidst all my excitement and content recently, I do admit that I've noticed a slight sense ofdisappointment. I think it's related to me leaving -- both the geography (although there's a lot of uncertainty around this for the long-term) and the experience.
I find it a bit odd that I don't have a strong desire to squeeze every last little bit out of what this place and these people have to offer. I don't feel rushed or over-planned. It sort of reminds me of early on in my project when I seemed to have mellowed out both the highs and the lows. I managed toovercome that issue (I've had lots of very enjoyable experiences, and almost no depressing ones), but it's reemerged over the past few days as I face separation with mostly a sense of evenness but slightly tilting towards some sort of sadness.
The sadness part seems perfectly reasonable to me. But I've also noticed a bizarre sense of jealousy, and I'm not really sure where that comes from how to process that. Am I jealous that many of my friends get to stay here, see each other frequently, and continue to develop those relationships? Is it that I'm now in this nebulous soon-to-be-unemployed phase between the starving student and the grown-up working working woman? Or perhaps I really want that climax and denouement of graduation parties and then vacation before embarking on a new endevour? I do in theory get to celebrate my end of school, but it's not surrounded by the hubbub of everyone doing it around me too.
Which brings me back to my study on community. Most of my musings this week were on in-person interaction. I won't talk specifics for the sake of my own and my friends' privacy, but I did mull over a few examples of strong community I noticed over the past week:
- Being around people of similar values
- Having physical places to spontaneously interact with people in my community
- Friends to share ideas with and who can provide positive reinforcement
- Others making me feel welcome
Again, not particularly mind-blowing stuff. I did, however, find it a good reminder to identify the specific sense of place and people that go into creating this strong community that I have now. Perhaps it's the act of appreciation itself, and less so on the specific components, that is actually strengthening my sense of community.
I'm sort of surprised that my focus on celebration/graduation/transition relates to what I perceive others to be doing around me. Why should it matter whether the rest of my school is or isn't graduating at the same time as I am? Am I worried I'll be forgotten? Do I need to feel that I'm part of a larger community ritual for my ritual to matter? I felt this last part particularly strongly the other night during a very small seder I hosted for Tu Bishvat, the birthday of the trees. To think that I was exploring my relationship to nuts and dates (hey, it's a really hippy holiday) similarly to how this was done thousands of years ago was pretty powerful.
So while I've tended to focus recently on community in the very small and direct and physical sense of the world, I should also remind myself that there is a much larger definition of the word community that deserves my attention too. I think reminding myself of this latter point can help me remember that I don't have to think of this transition as "leaving" anything in a painful way.
For goodness sakes, I'm sharing these thoughts with you in all corners of the world. To think I'd be worried about losing a community!
With a sense of togetherness,
Emma
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