Will I let my knee make me unhappy?

In the past few weeks I've gotten into a vicious cycle of not being physically active, and getting bummed out about it.

I am well aware that exercising regularly increases happiness. Lots of research points to this, with a few examples coming from this blogger's summary, a CBC article, and the BC government. So why am I not taking to heart this fairly straightforward advice?

My excuse has been me knee, which decided to become very painful again 2 weeks ago after a year of behaving itself. I haven't been able to run or climb, although I can now walk and bike after various trips to the doctor and prescription drugs. Thankfully there's nothing structurally wrong with me, and I've been told it's treatable with lots of physical therapy. Yay.

In the meantime, though, my challenge is similar to other anxieties I started with. I can't dwell on this problem in a way that I let it become part of my identity. I could easily become attached to complaining about my knee and hip hurting all the time (which I admit I do a lot now). There are plenty of things I can do to exercise. I just need to choose activities that aren't painful, and that I can fold into my existing patterns. I also need to remember that it's ok to start small. Normally I wouldn't considering walking as "real" exercise, but I think that's where I have to start for now. Swimming would be great, but I acknowledge that I have a significant mental barrier to entry to getting my butt over to and into the pool.

The bigger question is what it means for me to rely on my physical body as a source of happiness. What if I couldn't ever run or even move around on my own again? There are tons of studies showing the tendency to recover emotionally from disabilities. This study gives an interesting economic perspective, and the intro has a great overview of the literature.

My brother is currently traveling in India for a few months (and writing about it here). We chatted last night, and he reminded me to try to get out of the illusory world, which of course can be achieved through meditation. (I admit that I've been bad about meditating in the past week.) But, if I am stuck in this corporeal existence, I may as well make the most of it, with the knowldge that there's a better state beyond this physical one. Chatting online is not exactly the best way to convey this type of information, but I did get something out of the conversation with my brother. My takeaway is that I should treat my body and mind as best as I can for now. If/when I'm no longer physically able, then I regroup and focus on the other paths to happiness or a higher state of being.


Update on my creativity experiment: I love spending even 3 minutes in the morning sketching silly things. I finally bought myself Drawing for the Artistically Undiscovered, by Quentin Blake who illustrated all the Roald Dahl books. He has lots of fun prompts, and this morning I drew a page full of mops and brooms. I've also been playing a lot of violin. Last week I took my first fiddle lesson in 14 years; I tried out for a klezmer band; and I went to an American folk tune jam session at a pizza place nearby. I was the youngest person by 2 decades. All of these experiences have been rather frightening, since it's all new content for me, but for brief moments I let myself get lost in the music. It's a wonderful de-stressor since you can't think about much else when you're listening intently and staring at someone else's fingers to desperately try to follow along.

Next week's experiment: Go for a 30 min walk in the morning. I tried it this morning and really enjoyed seeing the neighbourhood at a slightly slower pace. I bike almost everywhere and being on foot feels somewhat liberating.

I'll work more on appreciating that my body does a lot for me even if it's not perfect, and in turn being kinder to it too.


Off for a stroll,
Emma