What gets measured gets done

Last night my group made huge progress on our progress for our d.school class. We've been working on ways to encourage people to save even a little bit of money. Last week, we gave our 4 users really simple prototypes -- envelopes and a notebook to help them track their spending. We were amazed that they all showed up for our second meeting, with envelopes and notebooks in hand. And our prototypes worked!  

Our users' stories were pretty compelling. When he wrote down his spending, one man saw how much he spent on phone service, so he switched to a less expensive plan. A young woman managed to save a little bit, even though last week she laughed at the possibility of saving at all.  

My performance was not so stellar. I was $37 over my budget based on a fictional after-tax income of $20k/year. ("Income" is sort of meaningless for me since mine is a large negative number.) But I did notice that I was especially frugal this week, knowing that I was on a tight budget, and fearing writing down frivolous expenses. I also realised that my current rent would not exactly be sustainable on such an income. 

I share this story both because it was uplifting, but also because it reminds me how busy and exhausted I've been this past week (working on this and other projects). I've taken very little time for myself; I haven't been sleeping much; I haven't been doing anything creative; I've been eating crappy food and not exercising. I think I need to do a better job of measuring even just a part of these things. But I've been doing that (somewhat consistently) on my google spreadsheet... so where's the disconnect?

Maybe it's the accountability component. Our users seemed pretty invested in our process because we created a group -- a community. I've been pretty bad recently about making and then following through with commitments to take time for myself. I'm still posting here regularly, but things like creative morning activity have followed by the wayside. 

So, time to get back on the saddle. I really liked starting my day with something creative. So the my first 15 min of the day I'll devote to something for myself. Like reading, drawing, or meditation. I know I've tried this before, but I think these things take constant maintenance. 

Since I'm already exhausted, I need to gets me to bed soon so I can have an early and refreshing start tomorrow!

-Emma

Too good to be true?

I can't decide yet whether this project is helping at all. I thought by now that I'd have a well defined list of criteria about what I wanted next in life. Then it would be a simple matter of me looking at my options, rating them against these priorities, and something would logically come to the top. And I thought I'd have tons of time to do this. 

Today I interviewed for a very cool-sounding job. Again, with 24hrs notice. I'm hopeful that I've learned something over the past few months, since this time -- unlike last week -- I didn't freak out at all. I calmly called a couple people for help with preparation, and dusted off my suit, which I think I haven't worn in almost a year. It seemed like that approach worked. While I have no idea what they thought of me, I survived my 3 hours of interviewing with relatively little stress. And most importantly, I generally felt like myself.  

The problem now is that I don't know what to do if I'm offered this position. I've gone from nothing, nothing, nothing to super quick turnaround, of maybe a few weeks. Perhaps I'm just flustered from the interview, but I'm having trouble weighing my (uncertain) options. 

Maybe through all this self-discovery I forgot to work on specifics. Or maybe through all this exploration of uncertainty I will emerge with some sort of compass.

I've definitely had problems trusting that everything will be ok. For now I'm off to a gathering of friends, so hopefully that will offer some relief and a forum for debriefing. 

Taking a deep breath, 

Emma

Prompts of rediscovering roots

I went to a couple of events on campus this week that help me re-centre myself just a little. The first was a speech by the CEO of Exxon. (No, I still haven't sold my soul...) I only went at the last minute since a friend had an extra ticket, and I got out of lab early. While the talk was ridiculously boring -- I even asked a question along the lines of how he could be less boring and more inspirational -- I was reminded, yet again, that I don't want to work for the dark side. Mostly because of a void of imaginitive and inspirational leaders. Not exactly a new revelation for me, but a pleasant reminder that I'd much rather keep looking for something amazing to do than settle for something I don't fully believe in.

Last night I saw Joel Salatin from Polyface, a "family owned, multi-generational, pasture-based, beyond organic, local-market farm and informational outreach in Virginia's Shenandoah Valley." Coincidentally, a friend also invited me at the last minute. I'm glad that I'm sticking to my schedule of flexibility so I have time for this sort of spontaneous encounter.

Joel speaks with the cadence of a preacher. While I was less of a groupie than many of the other audience members, I certainly founder myself reacting with a secular version of "amen" at the end of his phrases. His photos of his pigs tramping around in manure and his son skinning rabbits was surprisingly the closest I've felt to wanting to give up being veggie. (I'm guessing more people thought this part was rather disgusting and would instead switch them to vegetarianism.) Most importantly, I got the urge to 1, go back to the east coast, and 2, be in the woods again.

Since I left home, I've always had this tension of choosing between making a high-level difference and creating a small life that I love. Going back to my community exploration, I still haven't figured out how to reconcile being around bright ambitious people in a thriving environment (most likely urban) and living in the country. This talk and Joel's pictures reminded me that I need to keep trying. His answer to my question along such lines is that he relies on his customers as a support network. That's fine if you're an easy drive from yuppy DC suburbs, but what if you're really out there and not near a wealthy urban centre?

(Another random thought -- why do I feel compelled to ask questions in talks like these?)


Since I have to go, a brief recap on my clothing experiment. So far I've tried to dress as "Relieved," "Rugged," and "Excited." I don't know how well I'm doing externally, but I think the best part is thinking in the shower about how I feel that morning.


Have an exciting weekend!
-Emma

How do I bounce back sooner?

Yesterday I was feeling pretty crummy. It wasn't just that something put me in a bad mood, but that I let that thing get to me. Now that my demeanour is dramatically improved, I can evaluate why I felt so crummy and how I could have improved my mood sooner.  

I freaked out a bit yesterday about an interview process. I got a call in the morning asking to schedule a phone call with me for the next day, i.e. this morning. Sadly I didn't get to enjoy my free Monday, catching up on homework and relaxing. Instead, I spent the day preparing for this interview, being mad at the process, and worrying I would bomb the whole thing. 

A large part of the reason I let this bug me all day is that I had unknowingly invested too much in this particular job. What ended up being a mere hiccup, only yesterday appeared as losing all hope in not just this opportunity, but everything else I had in mind. My logic isn't exactly reasonable here, but I think I told myself that because I don't have enough time to prepare for this, then I won't do well, and therefore I won't do well on anything else. This super hurtful association has got to go. I need to focus on taking little pieces at a time and putting on some blinders. I also need to spend more time discovering what I'm actually deeply emotionally invested in that I'm not aware about. Know of any techniques for that?

Another reason my bad mood persisted I think is because I was alone when this interview shock first occured yesterday. I've realised I've become incredibly sensitive to being around friends and people I can share stories (and complaints) with. I am so grateful to be surrounded by lots of great listeners who put up with me. If I don't have this immediate outlet, then I think I have difficulty processing adverse situations quickly. I need to learn some alternative techniques here. Maybe I should start meditation again? (Which I haven't done in a couple weeks....)

In the end, my friends and family who help me out were, of course, right. I was sweating bullets during the interview, but felt like myself and don't think I could have done any better with more preparation. If it doesn't work out, then I couldn't have expected any more from myself.

In other news, I need to start another weekly experiment. A friend of my roommate visiting today suggested I use clothing as personal art. Dress as though I were a canvas, and express my mood for the day. She maintained that it's a grounding experience. Considering my utter lack of fashion abilities, I'm a bit skeptical, and this should be pretty challenging. Hopefully I can have fun with it. 

That's all for tonight, folks. I'm happy I'm back into my happy and non-crummy mood. Thanks for your help!

-Emma

Everything happens for a reason

My college roommate would often give this advice, which I've usually found rather helpful in times of uncertainty or distress. I've never interpreted this quote as a fatalistic approach. Instead I use it to remind myself that good things come out of seemingly unfortunate events. 

My thoughts today circle around serendipity. I noticed this especially yesterday when I bumped into 2 friends at a coffee shop while I was catching up with another friend I hadn't seen in awhile. I had been slightly bummed that I hadn't been able to meet with someone about a job (he had an extremely good reason to cancel at the last minute), but instead was grateful for the extra time I had just for myself. Unexpectedly seeing good friends all in one place signifigantly brightened up my day. 

  

This seemingly random encounter links to my thoughts about community building last week. If people who make you smile live or hang out near each other, then such a convergence is not so unexpected after all. The trick is to either become friends with the people who live around you -- which relies partly on you wanting to befriend those folks, and on you being around long enough for those relationships to develop; or to get your friends all come live near you. 

I've been somewhat conflicted still about the close vs. far-reaching approach to community. I love having friends all over the world from my many life phases and adventures. In my round-the-world trip coming up next month, I plan to stay with friends or their friends and family throughout the whole time. 

But I also want to be in a place where I can serendipetously meet a friend I pass by in the park. Or teach a cooking class regularly at the local Boys & Girls Club, which I did for first time tonight (and it was so much fun!). Plus this lifestyle is much more energy- and climate-friendly. Definitely not sustainable to have everyone flying around the world all the time to visit their dispersed loved-ones.  

I meant for this to be slightly more thoughtful, but I really need to be done with this now. My serendipetous encounter this evening was when I went from being very lonely at home to now all my roommates being here and hanging out together. So I'm glad that I stayed in tonight after all.  

I should also note that have indeed noticed that there's this thing called Valentine's Day tomorrow. Despite knowing full well that this should not bother me in the least, seeing . I should instead be grateful that I don't need to coordinate my next phase in life with anyone else, and that I can shape myself in this next step however I like. 

Ok, I'm out. I need to remember not to procrastinate until late Friday night to write!  

Have a lovely weekend,

Emma

A hint of separation anxiety

I leave in 5 weeks. 

I'm not particularly weepy about this right now, and I've been surprisingly calm about facing the end of this phase of my life. Again, my chill attitude is coming in handy. 

Amidst all my excitement and content recently, I do admit that I've noticed a slight sense ofdisappointment. I think it's related to me leaving -- both the geography (although there's a lot of uncertainty around this for the long-term) and the experience. 

I find it a bit odd that I don't have a strong desire to squeeze every last little bit out of what this place and these people have to offer. I don't feel rushed or over-planned. It sort of reminds me of early on in my project when I seemed to have mellowed out both the highs and the lows. I managed toovercome that issue (I've had lots of very enjoyable experiences, and almost no depressing ones), but it's reemerged over the past few days as I face separation with mostly a sense of evenness but slightly tilting towards some sort of sadness.  

The sadness part seems perfectly reasonable to me. But I've also noticed a bizarre sense of jealousy, and I'm not really sure where that comes from how to process that. Am I jealous that many of my friends get to stay here, see each other frequently, and continue to develop those relationships?  Is it that I'm now in this nebulous soon-to-be-unemployed phase between the starving student and the grown-up working working woman? Or perhaps I really want that climax and denouement of graduation parties and then vacation before embarking on a new endevour? I do in theory get to celebrate my end of school, but it's not surrounded by the hubbub of everyone doing it around me too.  

Which brings me back to my study on community. Most of my musings this week were on in-person interaction. I won't talk specifics for the sake of my own and my friends' privacy, but I did mull over a few examples of strong community I noticed over the past week: 

- Being around people of similar values

- Having physical places to spontaneously interact with people in my community

- Friends to share ideas with and who can provide positive reinforcement

- Others making me feel welcome

Again, not particularly mind-blowing stuff.  I did, however, find it a good reminder to identify the specific sense of place and people that go into creating this strong community that I have now. Perhaps it's the act of appreciation itself, and less so on the specific components, that is actually strengthening my sense of community. 

  

I'm sort of surprised that my focus on celebration/graduation/transition relates to what I perceive others to be doing around me. Why should it matter whether the rest of my school is or isn't graduating at the same time as I am? Am I worried I'll be forgotten? Do I need to feel that I'm part of a larger community ritual for my ritual to matter? I felt this last part particularly strongly the other night during a very small seder I hosted for Tu Bishvat, the birthday of the trees. To think that I was exploring my relationship to nuts and dates (hey, it's a really hippy holiday) similarly to how this was done thousands of years ago was pretty powerful. 

So while I've tended to focus recently on community in the very small and direct and physical sense of the world, I should also remind myself that there is a much larger definition of the word community that deserves my attention too.  I think reminding myself of this latter point can help me remember that I don't have to think of this transition as "leaving" anything in a painful way. 

For goodness sakes, I'm sharing these thoughts with you in all corners of the world. To think I'd be worried about losing a community! 

With a sense of togetherness,

Emma

The power of tiny reinforcement

I admit that I missed my Friday post. Since I often tell others not to apologise for things they don't actually need forgiveness for, I will not explicitly apologise for my oversight. 

Instead of documenting my thoughts and activities over the past few days, I spent my Friday talking with friends and acquaintences about job stuff; realising I really need to get cracking on midterm studying; lunching with a higher-up from my former oil employer; planning for our China trip; and hanging out with old friends at a house party in the city. All followed up by a sunny walk across SF this morning, and lunch with a classmate from last year. (At the Delancey Street Restaurant which has a very cool mission.)

While the details of my day aren't really important, my excuse for being tardy on the prose is that I'm focusing on community building this week. There's no better study than to actually spend time with people I want to maintain relationships with. I haven't been particularly consistent about seeing friends who live barely 40 miles from me, but it's comforting to know that I can pick up a conversation when I do happen to be around.  

I've also been comforted recently by tiny bits of positive reinforcement. I'm doing pretty well at not worrying about my lack of employment post-graduation. Now that I've taken some time away from the ol' job hunt, it's time for me to get back into the actual search. Last week I did an email blitz out to friends, friends of friends, old acquaintences, and alumni. Very quickly, sometimes within a few hours, I got some promising replies from people who are happy to help. 

Previously I'd been pretty discouraged about doing those cold calls, probably because I hadn't gotten responses before. But even hearing back from a few folks over the past few days has given me the confidence to press on and have a much more positive attitude about my search.  

It's tough to give myself the advice that I just have to be patient and persistent. But the key to remember is that it doesn't actually require that much effort. It only takes a tiny bit of positive feedback to keep me going. 

I just started Alan Lew's "This is Real and You Are Completely Unprepared" about the Days of Awe. Pretty heavy (and inspiring) stuff, but I'm glad to not be reading it during the actual Days of Awe. Sort of like watching a horror movie in the daylight to relieve some of the tension. I'm hoping it will be a helpful coda to my focus on transitions. 

Happy weekend,

Emma

Community of creativity

I just got back from the coolest event -- a chamber music performance by these amazing young musicians put on by Music@Menlo, held in a local couple's gorgeous home. The occasion was free, just for young professionals/students, and included fabulous food and drink. (Make sure to check out their summer festival!) I've been pretty happy over the past week, and this definitely pushed me even higher on the delighted scale.  

At first I thought I was so excited because the event fits in nicely with my recent focus on creativity. I've been playing some violin over the past few weeks, and here's my first live performance in a long time as inspiration of what the potential of my instrument (and not necessarily my fingers) is.  

But there's another key component that I think is more crucial. It's the community associated with that creativity. This community can start out very small -- for now even just one person has made a difference. The performance tonight was not just me listening to music in isolation, or in an anonymous concert hall. Several of my classmates attended, and including one who's a good friend. Many of the audience members used to play an instrument, and it was great to reminisce or talk about how we have or haven't kept up with it. 

On Sunday I went to my second klezmer rehearsal. I certainly haven't gotten any better, but this time was a lot less harrowing than the first session. I think the two biggest components were that a friend of mine walked in with her violin, so I got to chat and catch up with her; and another new girl set a more playful and less intense vibe for the group. 

My last example is staying up far too late last night finishing my d.school project. This could have easily been a rather painful experience. I ended up having a great (ok, semi-enjoyable) time since a friend and some classmates were there to chat and throw ideas around together.  

I realise that having a partner you know beforehand is not necessary for appreciating music, or creating a sketchbook, or for having fun playing the violin. I certainly could have made friends with someone at any of these events. But it has helped me so far to have an ally to start with, and it's been easier if that ally is someone who's already a friend. 

Since I just thought of this tonight, I haven't researched at all on the role of allies in enjoyable or fulfilling creative processes. I'm currently reading Rachael Kessler's The Soul of Education, a powerful collection of stories about high school students and their transition to adulthood. So far she's only talked about creativity from the individual perspective, but hopefully I'll finish that chapter tomorrow. I know the d.school is big on collaboration for innovation and insight, but I haven't heard evidence (besides my own anecdotes) on whether collaboration actually makes creativy more fun. Could it be simply because you spend time and build relationships with people you enjoy, while doing a common actvity? Because someone's there to validate your creativity? Because you feel less pressure and are able to produce better work around another person? I suppose I don't really need to identify the mechanism here, but I think it's worth considering to see what pieces are crucial to retain when I'm not making really really long sketchbooks or hanging out listening to chamber music all the time.  

This brings me to my next stage of my project -- community building. I think I've done a decent job of tackling the initial anxiety part. I remember hearing about Urban Tribes when I lived in DC, and I'd like to revisit that concept. Haven't quite thought about where I'll take that. 

I'm also thinking about what I want my final project to look like. Any ideas? 

Check-in with my weekly experiments. Morning creative ritual (mostly sketching) going fantastically. Daily walks, sadly, I haven't managed to fit in as much. I can't figure out if I just need to get up earlier or whether I should cut something else out of my morning. At least I've been biking a bit more.  

Next experiment -- Add at least one item a morning to a list I will now put on my wall (throwback to college) of what is important to me in creating community. At the end of the day I'll come home and add something I did or saw that reinforced (or hurt) that aspect of community. I don't know yet whether this will be lame or awesome. 

Insipiredly (?), 

Emma